Holy CRAP.

Yeah, it's been not too far shy of a decade since I was active here.  The journaling itch is at me again, though.

Let's see.. what has changed since 2010?

• I've collected more hobbies: knitting, hand-loading, wood checkering, soap-making, and a variety of other random things.
• I quit Twitter for good.  That place is a cesspool.
• WTF--Trump is president?

I need to ponder where I'm going to take this thing.

On Katie

Should I resurrect this thing? I wonder.

Norcal Katie has been posting some honest thoughts lately. It's making me wonder if I should not do the same.

I seem to be spending a lot more time on twitter these days, than blogging.  Follow me at @_Ex_Astris_ if you're interested!

Garden Bounty and Nixtamalization

Two of the three sisters, beans and corn

Although it's only the first of August, I can feel the autumn approaching.  Now is the time of plenty in the garden: the garlic is harvested and curing, cucumbers are everywhere, blueberries coming ripe, tomatillos galore, tomatoes turning red on the vine, uncountable numbers of ground cherries, peppers red and hot, kale getting a second wind.  The greenhouse is pretty organized for the first time EVER, too.  I'm fast approaching that time of year that is my favorite: inside while storms rage beyond the walls, enjoying the saved bounty from the garden, and planning the next year's.

That corn, up there, is heirloom hopi blue corn.  This is the first year that I'll actually have a crop, since the deer have destroyed three previous years' worth. This year, though, I got smart: I built a fence around the raised bed that the corn (and beans, and squash: the Three Sisters) is in.  And the deer haven't made a dent.  Anyway, this year I planted a full 4'x12' bed with the Three Sisters, and there is a LOT of corn out there now.  What, you ask, am I going to do with the ~40 ears of corn that are maturing out there?

Why, I'm going to make corn flour.  This involves a fun technique called "nixtamalization".  Basically, it's as follows:

1. Harvest the corn.  This is going to be interesting in and of itself, since I need to let the kernels dry on the cobs.
2. Cook the kernels in limewater.  This loosens the outer hulls and makes the corn more digestible. 
3. Rub the hulls off.  This results in hominy!  Yes, hominy, from which we make grits.
4. Grind the kernels.  This results in masa, aka corn flour.
5. Profit!

Now why on earth am I going to do this?  Because basically, I want to learn how it works, and the idea of making my own corn flour from corn that I grew organically, myself, really makes me smile.

That's one of the great things I've found about gardening, in general: there is always something new to learn, something new to try, and without fail it's satisfying.

Things they go, in cycles, you know

Tonight I had a bit of a laugh. I logged into linkedin.com, the "social" website for professionals looking to just maintain job connections and whatnot. It's now announcing "people you might know", just as I remember facebook used to. Who was the first person on the list? None other than the original female half of Kiss'n'Blog, back before she left (in 2006, maybe?). T, the male side, and A, the female side of that blog, were very kind to me back then, when I was in the turmoil of a difficult breakup. I used to frequent their blog all the time. Then she moved on, and he morphed it into his own vision, and we all kind of drifted into something new. It's little things like this that make me realize that it's time to move on again, from where I am. Becoming nostalgic is not a good thing.

I get email: The cliffnotes version of my journey is that I have been attempting to stave off a complete mental breakdown for the last few years. During my good days I am functioning but all too often my grip is tenuous and I am lucky to 'mark time' hoping no one will notice how checked out I am. What an odd coincidence that you retreat from FB because of the facade it requires. Indulging in that bizarre fantasy world is exactly what I crave ~ Fake it 'til you make it. FB is therapy in a way. Well, that and mind-numbing sudoku puzzles. That from someone I love dearly, and have been remiss keeping up with. I am taking steps to open up lines of help for her. I'm not certain what I'm doing anymore. Things did seem more certain when that girl and I were laughing at the world 20 years ago. Work, sleep, eat, work sleep eat, work sleep eat, work sleep eat work sleep eat. In other news, I've been following you all, despite what you may think. I'm a lurker supreme.

It appears that blogger is forcing us to accept certain new conditions... so this blog will probably move soon. Film at 11.

On Friendship

I moved away from my hometown at an interesting age. I was 41. I didn't realize how established relationships/friendships are by that time, so here I am, five years later, without a social circle, which I've only just realized (for a variety of mundane reasons). How does one go about rebuilding a circle of friends at the age of 46?

Hell, let's just call it "New Music May"

A friend of mine in the UK is a total fiend for pop music, and occasionally hosts a drunken online DJ session. I have found more great new music through him in the last year than I did in the previous decade. I particularly like any in-your-face music that celebrates empowering people, which this one definitely does...

New Music Sunday

Enjoy!

DELETION

 So, I finally deactivated my facebook account. Sorry, Heather, I know it was one of the few ways that we kept in touch.

I really don't know what it was that finally drove me to do it.  There is just something so superficial and artificial about it.  Which is not to say that online stuff is universally bad--tonight I had a long online gchat with Laura, and it was awesome. 

But I don't like to be calm, and I don't like to accept things the way they are.  I will always struggle against the way things are, it seems.

If you haven't discovered MDK yet, you need to play that video. Be prepared to be watching her youtube videos for the next hour and a half if you do, though. And if you're in a bad mood and want to stay in that bad mood, then you'll be foiled. More soon!

Endless Horizons

I've been in a weird frame of mind lately.  What is it that drives us to do what we do?  Yesterday I woke up and I had no desire to engage the world at all, but today I was a total fiend for it all.  And tomorrow, who knows?

My kale and spinach and radishes have germinated and are growing.  I have them covered in hoop houses.  I go out there and lift the plastic and see the little things getting bigger, and it makes me happy.  And those garlics!  So much bigger today than this time last week.

I remember the smell of the greenhouse in my Swedish grandfather's greenhouse.  He used to go in there and go to sleep.  At the time (I was about 10) I thought it funny, but now it makes sense.  Were but that I could talk to him now, or even my father, given what I've learned in the last 35 years.

I'm not certain what I should do anymore.  "Helping friends" seems like a no-brainer.  But past that, I'm looking at the end of that paddle and wondering what it's pointing to.

A springtime ritual

Today I filled, amended, cleaned, half-planted, hooped, and covered the first of the raised garden beds for 2012. Radishes, arugula, asian spinach, and kale. The other half is for staggered plantings of the same. I found two wire worms, which quickly turned into wire-worm mush between my fingers (please don't tell PETA). Laura put this bed together for me last year, and she half-filled it with extra native dirt that I had lying around (the dirt ran out, hence the half-filling). So I bought several bags of organic topsoil and compost, and finished the job, along with some bonemeal and mineral goodness. Turn the entire thing with a garden fork, and then get into it with hands and elbows to even the mix, tossing out the stones... rake the whole thing flat, and then out with the 2" planting jig. Seed, water, put in the hoops and then clamp the plastic. That's a satisfying day!

Laura is now asking me to visit her and help her build some garden beds, which I think I should do. She worked hard to put together these beds for me, and to fill them as much as she could with the soil that I had on hand. So a road trip is in order.

What the fuck is wrong with the USA?

I've thought now for a long time that what is good for women, is good for men. And what is bad for men, is also bad for women. In general, of course. The point being that this is not a zero-sum game, and we as genders are neither at war nor in competition for health, happiness, and success.

I understand the math behind this, of course. Just as I understand why young women are charged less for car insurance than young men. But health insurance is fundamentally different--a health problem can financially cripple someone, forever. And yes, womens' health issue are more complex than mens'. But how sad is it that we reduce this fundamental human issue to one of statistics, relegating it to the same status as a 16-year-old's insurance for an automobile's learner permit?

This is the issue that the Supreme Court is about to decide. And sadly, they will probably decide it against the ACA. Maybe not, but I don't hold out much hope.

I hope that I can live to see a day when men and women are truly treated equally under the law in the USA. We are clearly not anywhere near that point yet.

Note to self for the week of 3/25/2012

It's okay to fuck up!  Happens all the time.

Better late than never

Seedlings in the greenhouse

Everyone Loves Bacon

A picture of Jupiter and Venus, now just 3º apart, apparently, as viewed from France.  The first thing I thought was: what are their respective Bacon Numbers?

Choices

I learned today that my long-ago Ex lost her home to foreclosure.  For those that have been reading here for a long time, that would be Venus (to my Mars).  In one way, that made me sad.  She loved that little townhome.  That plus her truck were her entire identity.  In another, not so much, since I tried to hard to counsel her on how to keep it, but she had no clue or desire to know how to change that.

Ultimately, this just drives home to me how we can't change people at all. We are who we are, and honestly, it's insane to expect that to change.

For me, this is kind of a pivotal moment in my life.  I can't, and don't want to live this way forever.  Or do I?  I don't know.  There are choices to be made.

What I can't do is simply settle.  I've been alive enough to know that settling for people in my life leads to deep unhappiness.

Transitions

My uncle died today. Or yesterday, I'm not certain. It's a blur. He was a good man, and I will miss him.

When I was small, he took me to an amusement park. I was very afraid of it all, but he made it all better by making stupid noises for me. I know, that's silly, right? But he saw how afraid that I was, and he looked me in the eye, and said: "Hey James, AHAKHEKRHEAKJHID!"

And I laughed, and I responded in kind. We spent the next 15 minutes spouting nonsense to each other, and reveling in the act. He just wanted me to be happy, and he succeeded.

When he was older, he found his true love, and he left all in his life to pursue her. The family disapproved, but he was right in the end. He was happy with her, and she made him complete.

Heikki, you were always my favorite uncle, and I love you.

That's how I prefer to remember him, as a good person who wished well for me. Time is so short, and the people in our lives so transient.